My Hog and Remaining Equanimous

Mysore has a motor bike culture. In Gokulam, in the Shala community, the men have motor
cycles and the women (who have them) have motor scooters. To the left is a typical man's bike - and below is my feminine "scooty". Like a girl's bicycle, the scooter allows one to ride in a dress (or saree) with one's legs demurely closed in front while the motorcycle puts an engine between a man's legs. A few days ago a girlfriend and I watched an Englishman Ashtangi ride away on a scooter and we both agreed that he must be very secure to be riding a 'girl's bike.'

Mysore ladies wearing sarees sit on the back of their husband's bike side-saddle with their hands folded in their laps. The man and woman do not touch. Still, this is considered very intimate and you do not go on the back of a man's bike unless he is your husband, father or brother - lest you become dishonored. A western woman is different. I conveniently don't have this type of honor.

For me, driving a motor bike on the opposite side of the road than I am use to, in a city that makes New York traffic seem orderly - has gone outside my comfort zone. But the sprained ankle made it necessary. Now, as a result of the sprained ankle, I can drive around the round-abouts, beeping, weaving and... remaining equanimous.

On a 3 hour bus ride back from Bangalore last night I was asleep sitting next to the window when I awoke - eyes still shut - and realized that the man to my right was feeling my breast.

Now - as background - I have to mention that a few weeks ago there was a poll taken by one of the weekly magazines here that found that a majority of Indians feel that a just punishment for a man raping a woman is for him to be forced to marry her. This is because she has been dishonored - as has her family and there is nothing worse than dishonor (even being married to a rapist). Also, I did a blog entry called Men Staring a while back and Anonymous was nice enough to comment with a link to a site about "eve teasing". While looking into eve teasing I read the advice that if you are with women you can make a scene - but if there are only men around you cannot be sure of the reaction if you humiliate the man.

So, I weighed, do I open my eyes, slap him and make a scene at 10:00 at night on a bus with almost all men in a culture I do not understand and in which I am an outsider? As I considered my next move with my eyes still shut, he was trying to put his hand inside my bra. When I was asleep he must have picked up my shawl that was crossed in front of me, gone under the Kamzee top and now was moving his hand very carefully into my bra still trying not to wake me up. I decided not to pick this battle and turned "in my sleep" so that I was facing the window (away from him) and put my hands under my cheek as a cushion, and, conveniently, this meant that my right arm was across my breasts.

Because of the distorted definition of honor that makes a man's behavior towards a woman the woman's responsibility not the man's, rape is rarely reported here. However, just because I did not feel safe making a scene does not mean I have to be silent now. Also, as a warning, if you make a comment telling me what I "should have done" I will delete it. He is the one who should not have done something. I was asleep. And I remained equanimous; he does not deserve more and I do not deserve less.